Self Destructive Behaviors SDBs

Self destructive behavior/ death wish/ "I am my pain"

Behavior in school setting repeated over and over by script in every job I've had has once more gotten me under fire. I knew it when I was doing it, I knew it when I got the call from the principal and I know how it will end. I don't want that to happen again in this life.'

when things get going really well, like the letter I wrote, or I get feeling really good and healthy I feel a panic feeling, and the basis of it seems to be, "What are you without your pain, emotional or physical" Not worth much.

Now , of course intellectually I don't want to get fired, or get sick or be back in the hospital, but the script is definitely playing and I feel helpless and out of control to do anything but go along.

Or rather, I guess, I refuse to do anything other than go along because sub consciously these are the things I want. This is not just copying out of a book, I recognize the thought pattern, I hear the inner voice pleading to get me sick enough to end up hospitalized.

If I am really sick, I don't have to take responsibility for my behavior. But when I am well, I behave nicely and feel good why do I still want to self destruct