Domestic violence in front of children/on children

Dear sis:

I don't know if I sent you this one;

I found it in my draft file.

After I wrote it I called mother and asked her about it.

She called me back a couple of days later and said she did remember

that one because of the broken window.

It happened so often she could not remember details on all of them.

But she said the boys were fighting and Daddy was

trying to stop them, but gave up and let them fight it out on the lawn

after they went through the window.

She said another time they let them fight it out was

the last time; they ended up nearly killing each other,

then hugging and didn't fight again.

I have another memory that fits in that time period;

I never associated the two before just now when I was talking about it to Steven.

I was in my little blue school dress with the peter pan collar,

standing in the door way, hiding behind the frame watching in horror,

as Daddy kicked and pummeled and stomped on my two brothers,

swearing and screaming at them.

They all three ended up going through the large glass window wall

onto the porch and continued scrambling and kicking and hitting and swearing.

I stood frozen. I've always thought it was my fear he would turn on me.

But I think it was my fear Duane would repay me.

I wonder if I told on the boys and Daddy went whacko,

and I blamed myself as my brother had done?

Oh, my God; what if he had killed one of them and gone to jail too.

I would not have had that kind of resiliency.

I would have been schizo for life.

I called mother and she said that happened a lot.

She never knew what triggered Daddy's manic abuse rampages,
but he never hit her or us.

When I was in fourth grade D had my teacher for early morning seminary

and hated him.

I liked the teacher, of course he talked to my brother and

after school my brother cursed me and I thought he was going to hit me.

In high school my brother was home from the Navy and I told a vampire joke

that I still think is funny, but he took it sexually and screamed at me

to go to my room. It took me years to understand how he understood it,

but even so it was way over board reaction.

It is all coalescing now as I sober up.

I'm so glad I wrote to you as I was having the "insights" to make a Gestalt.



-------Original Message-------


Reply: Dear sis,

I vividly remember the fighting and shoving someone through the window.

I remember them "fighting it out", very scary.

Other than that, I don't remember any specific incidences.

Daddy did hit me once. He slapped me in the face for something I said.

It wasn't brutal or anything, just one slap.

After that I would easily flinch when he talked to me, esp. if I was getting scolded.

Interesting; These are 50 year old memories never spoken of in our family.

Yet vividly remembered because of the significant emotional impact on our lives.

What extensive trauma there must have been on our two brothers.


No wonder D often thought he was a adopted, and felt rejected and unloved.

No wonder he hated and continues to teach his children to hate me,

the little princess who never got hit,

who Daddy loved and protected, who told on him when he molested me.

I feel nothing but sorry for my brothers now, the guilt and shame is gone,

I did nothing to create their hatred,

and I have never deserved their scorn no matter how disassociated they were

in offering it.